Black/African Expats in Africa....WTF mayte?

We EXIST….expats that are either black or are African living/working in Africa. This normally should be a straight forward thinking with zero interesting points….alas the weird ass society that we live in has made it a hilarious hot mess. You can distinguish this hot mess through many of the ohhh too familiar scenes I have come accross in Moz….

1) The I love helping the poor Africans so much I can’t believe there are educated black folk
Ok that was harsh, but with great power comes great responsibility, and with you Masters degree comes my low tolerance for your ignorant a$$. If you will imagine (not really cuz it happens a lot)

Scene 1- Office, black international development worker doing his thang…until his boss comes in and it begins.
Boss: Hi Aman I would like you to meet Frank Sinatra from our Geneva office.
Frank.S: (in the worst accent possible..) Bom dia, muito pracer!!!
Me: (In my most American accent) Hi, nice to meet you my name is Aman.
Frank.S: Hello….Gusto Mozambique!
Me: Hehe me too…
(Hours later)
Frank.S: You speak English very well!
Me: I am American (well I am Eritrean, but wtf…I am now an American)
Frank.S: Ohhhh but you look very Mozambican!!! (meaning you are black)
Me: riiight....

2) The I only talk to white guys black girl
Scene 2- Neon lit café/bar called Dolce Vita (seriously life is a lil too dolce when u still use the neon lights in the day)...chillin with White friend, doing what men do at Bars…scopin..which eventually turns to casual convo with two girls
Girl 1- Where are you guys from?
Friend- I am Canadian but my Dad is Portuguese
Me: -I am from Eritrea (passing the usual where the hell is that convo), but I just came from the states
Girl 1- Nudges the slightly disappointed looking girl…"summin summin…es Americano!”
Girl2- Face says it all –I aint convinced bring out them papers!- as she watches a blond god go by

ahhh Dolce Vita, thanks for the reminder how dolce la vita really is.

3) The I don’t really talk to Mozambicans, and just hang out with the same people I used to in my own country, but now I am just doing it in an African country
Scene 2- Friends introducing friends at a bar

Me: Hi my name is Aman (being the only black person in a group of friends, when you are in a 99.9% black country is pretty weird)
Friends: Ohhh Hi
Me: Hey
Friends: Where are you from?
Me: Eritrea (again skipping the discussions on where the hell is that?)
Friends: Ohh but you have a very American accent
Me: Yeah I went to school in the states for the last decade or so
Friends: :) !!!! (We can be friends…hello AMERICAN!)
~
Who knows maybe living in America has made me hyper sensitive to race, and I just need to sit down and let the social oddities take their course…however the proactive person in me wants to write a scathing article on Foreign Affairs magazine or the Economist on black foreign aid workers. I guess that requires use of proper English and grammar…. le sigh...this world wasn’t made for ESL grads….

-I am out like a baby from the vagina (creativity is at a low point today) Payce!

Happenings

...I know I suck with the updates, I dont even know why...well actually I do its proposal season in the international development world which means my schedule will take on slave like attributes till October.

Anyway lots and lots of happenings. I ended up going to World Cup with my arch-nemesis aka fellow intern from the Kenya days that was stealing my thunder with her Ethiopianess... confused?

Ok scenario...you know when white ppl go to an exotic far out place and see another white person from their country...suddenly the place goes down a notch from their encounter of their fellow country men. Its the same with Habesha (eri/ethio) peeps...

Anyway pardon my add and back to the World Cup updates which will be split up into unrealted mini stories for your reading pleasure...and the fact that I can entertain a continuous stream of thinking..

1) Mo and Dillan
Mo (Mohamed) and Dillan are fellow americans from Oklahoma that we met in Moz. The interesting part is Mo and Dillan went to Punto de Oro soak up the legendary beaches of Moz. Unfortunately they were caught driving on the beach which is HIGHLY illegal with a $600 fine each! In their moment of desperation they decided to call me so I could put them in contact with the American embassy. I asked the secretary for the American embassy number...unfortunately for them it turned out to be the Algerian embassy of all places....lesson learned in an emergency dont call me :-P Luckily they "paid" a smaller fine of a bottle of whiskey after placing a call to the son of the prime minister who they knew in Oklahoma...why is the son of the prime minister of Moz. doing in OK....who knows..prolly some misguided information on America. (again proof that my idea of lonely planet guide to America for NON AMERICANS would be a hit!)

2) The Jo-burg Gabonian
So we are in Jo burg a few days b4 our tix to the game. Our crew which consisted of my Ethio Arch Nemisis, a Ugandan Med Student, and a 50+ UK Rasta. Anyway our troupe of random mofos did not know how to catch the public transport in Jo-burg....so the Rata dude decided to ask this rather large Gabonian in an S class Mercedes for a ride. Oddly enough he obliged. Even stranger, he wanted to charge us 30 Rand about $5.50 for the ride...ask yourself why would a guy diving an S class Mercedes charge us 5 bucks??? Eventually we negotiated it to 20 rand $4 a head to get driven around in a S Class. So as we engaged in conversation with this strange fellow on what he does ..it was "import/export" aka African for criminal activities. Luckily we were not driven to a back ally and gutted out for our organs to be sold on the Nigerian Black Market....still not summin to do a second time around.

3) World Cup game and Arch Nemesis almost gets JACKED!
We went to the Argentina vs. Nigeria game...no crazyness here...it was a great game and just being there was an amazing moment. As we were leaving...we came to a stop at the crosswalk. As we were waiting this lady kept bumping into Arch Nemesis over and over.....fortunately we noticed that this lady was secretly knifing Arch Nemesis' purse and cutting a hole into it. As Arch nemesis was shocked by this whole event and was trying to flag the police....crazy baglady disappeared into the crowd. So hold onto your shit. 10 mins later Mc Donalds...a dude just put his hand in Arch Nemesis' purse and tried to snatch her ish! WTF jo-burg....i guess its WC though so opportunities are everywhere. Overall though Jo-burg was fairly safe but i think these failed attempts ruined the night a lil

4) Gypsy Partaaaaay
So i did it....i met random ppl through Couch Surfing.com It was great and def will repeat cuz they were cool peeps. Anyway couch surfing crew introduced me to some ppl who were throwing a Gypsy partay....apparently by real Gypsies. The music was Gypsy house music and a live gypsy band singing some sweeet sweeet Romanov tunes. I talked to one of the hosts and apparntly they are part of a traveling Gypsy group that goes around the world hosting parties with a gypsy flavor. It was a blast...i highly recommend going if you hear about a gypsy party in your neck of the woods. Although the sci-fi kid in me wondered if they were really vampires and they did this thing to lure fresh blood into their areas.....why....cuz there were some strange old looking gypsies that gave me the creeps. Who knows....still recommend it!


....there is a lot more to write...but I gots to get back to my massa of the day Global Fund HIV/TB proposal.

I am out like vanilla coke, thank GOD they stopped with that nonsense it was naassstay!!

Drug Kingpin Laws

So I got the following e-mail in my inbox at work today....

------

To: All Mission Employees

Subject: US Department of Treasury Designation of Mozambican National, Mohamed Bachir Suleman, MBS, as a “Drug Kingpin”

On June 1, 2010, the President of the United States identified Mozambican national, Mohamed Bachir Suleman (“MBS”), as a significant foreign narcotics trafficker or “drug kingpin”, pursuant to the Foreign Narcotics Kingpin Designation Act. The law is intended to apply economic and financial sanctions against significant drug traffickers through denying their organizations or commercial enterprises access to the U.S. financial system and to the benefits of trade and financial transactions involving U.S. persons and businesses.

Under the Kingpin Act, U.S. persons (citizens, legal permanent residents, and U.S. companies or organizations) and their subsidiaries are prohibited from engaging in unlicensed transactions with foreign persons and entities on the Kingpin list. U.S. persons face criminal and civil penalties should they violate this prohibition.

The U.S. Mission to Mozambique is considered a U.S. person and, therefore, it, its entities or employees cannot engage in any business or other transactions with or within:

1.Mohamed Bachir Suleman (“MBS”),

2.Grupo MBS Limitada, a holding company of several merchandising stores located in Mozambique;

3.Grupo MBS – Kayum Centre, a retail store located in Maputo, Mozambique; and

4.Maputo Shopping Centre (all establishments within are “off-limits”)

To be clear--this designation bars U.S. persons, as defined above, from engaging in transactions with the above individual and his affiliates or businesses. Further, Locally Employed Staff (LES) while on duty or who are carrying out work on behalf of the U.S. Government are subject to the same restrictions. LES that are not U.S. citizens or U.S. legal permanent residents are not prohibited from engaging in personal transactions (non-work related) with MBS and the companies listed. However, we strongly encourage all employees of the US Mission or any of its entities not to do business with Mohamed Bachir Suleman or any of his business interests.

-------

To be honest I have heard many rumors around this shopping center. That a friend of a friend had purchased a TV and it was not working so he opened it up to see the problem and it was full of drugs, then had exchanged it for $25k and a 4X4...blah blah blah. Apparently it was true!

The thing that bothers me most is that there is not a wide selection places you can buy things in Maputo, and till I get a car I cant go to South Africa over the weekend to buy some goodies in Nelspruit. So with even fewer options.... I will have to say goodbye to Maputo shopping for life.....although I always knew it probably was owned by a Drug Kingpin or a Gangster...

I mean look at the designs-neon lights, reflective windows, weird geometric shapes- it looks like a a Gangster from a Bollywood movie built it as a front for his "business". Apparently the guy is Indian or Pakistani.....so i guess we know where he got his inspiration from...DEWWAR and great Amitabh Bachchnan





Those Madarchods (Mofos) will never catch me!!
















































Above are pics of Maputo shopping (aka Kingpin HQ) and the attached Cinema that never had any movies playing...prolly cuz they were exporting drugs.


Aiight peeps thats it for now.....I am out like Ricky Martin (is it too late for those jokes?)
-A

The night i rocked the dance floor with an Amputee

Yep you read it right. I was out at my local spot (Face to face) yesterday and me and this dude who had lost both legs from the knee down OWNED and when i mean OWNED i mean RICKY ROSSED the dance floor. He had no crutches no prosthetic legs...just knee pads to reduce the friction as he rocked it till 6 o'clock in morrrrnin!

It was kind of amazing...i keep thinking of all friends, acquaintances and random mofos that refuse to let their party animal out unless they were hammered or unless the lights are sooo dark they think shadows or impaired vision enhance their perceived lack of rhythm. So please mis amigos take a page out of this guys book....its all in your head so let loose. He danced with no legs...how freaking cool is THAT!!!

In other news I was also hanging out with my regular crew and their new friend for the night... some Greek Triathlon champ that seriously looked like he could have been born in Sparta..we called him Leonidas for a good chunk of the night. Anyway Leonidas no longer does the Triathlons but works for the international Olympic triathlon committee and travels the world (260 days out of the yr) scoping countries and locations to host them. Yep that is a pretty sweeeeet job.... there is no major or masters for this program just a passion for the sport. On the other hand his fiance works as a travel writer/NGO publicist of sorts and travels the world writing stories about her traveling and social development programs tourists should take a time out of their resorts and visit...yep another Sweeeet out of the box job. They travel together most of the time b/c thats the relationship-work balance that would only work in their lives...and it works.

Anyway the point of the blog post is...that all three of my newly found acquaintances from last night from the amputee, to Leonidas, to his travel writer Fiance seemed to confirm the fact that you shouldn't give a flying F about what ppl see on the outside or what traditions confirm...just do your thaaaaaaaaang and rock the proverbial dance floor that is the world!

"THIS IS SPARTA!!!" sorry i just had to say that.

I am out like Iron Man 2!!!

How to go from Immigrant to bonified American in 2 easy steps

1) Bend Over
2) Wait

Yeah immigration is hell, there is no way around it with its rules upon rules, upon forms upon forms, and fees upon fees. Since most immigrants are coming in under duress...its a pretty expensive process...i.e. to fill out the last form for naturalization was $685. Yep 2 PS3s and a game or so. The whole process prolly cost $5k-10k.
But yesterday I became an American...I am actually pretty proud of it, and also very relieved. America is an awesome place, and we take it fore granted how many ppl in the world would give a kidney to come and live here.

Anyway...i was not allowed to take a camera inside for a photo blogpost of the big day...but here are the highlights..

Judge asks ppl to call out their respective countries one by one...

Defiance
Random ppl: Korea, Jordan, China, Ethiopia, Korea, Guatemala, Ethiopia, Mexico, Ethiopia, Ethiopia, India, China, Philippines, Ethiopia,

Me: ERITREA!!!!!!! (followed by a lion roar--it mattered to me..got a few looks from the other Ethiopians...yep...thats how I roll)

Other interesting shout outs and happenings

Random Immigrant 1: Uyghur...Currently Colonized by CHINA! (damn)
Random Immigrant 2: Kurdistan..also known as North of IRAQ oppressed by Turkey (ok...)
Random Immigrant 3: STATELESSS!!!!! (i am assuming Palestine)

Later the judge told random immigrant 3 while doing the handshakes... you are no longer stateless you are now an American!!! Lol the look the random immigrant 3 gave him was a mix of ...man get the F outta here and maybe u can tell that to the millions of Palestinians on the Gaza strip.


Anyway, the weird thing is I dont feel American...nor after being in the motherland (Africa)...I dont feel African either.

When I first came, and in my college yrs...I claimed I was soo African...like me and Nelson Mandela were on PAR! I loved my country (Eritrea) and I loved my continent (Africa), and i loved me my diaspora Africans as well. I am telling u i thought these "Americans" dont know what this AfriCAN is alll about!!!!!

Then I got to Mozambique...and was thinking...uhmm what are u doing telling me internet banking takes two weeks to process?? You already have the systems its just a matter of signing up...and the internet is always there WTF?!?! Wait and you need govt. approval to transfer money?! What do you mean the letter from the govt is taking 3 weeks?? Yall are inefficient like ...like...OMG I AM TURNING INTO AN AMERICAN!!!!

I think my identity now will always be as an immigrant. The waiting lines for INS...the green card hassles...the visas..the confusion...the fear...the paranoia. It was there and amongst those people regardless if they were from India, China, Ghana, Pakistan, Urugauy etc. that I felt was where i belonged. I dont think I can fully ever reconcile my newfound Americaness....nor will i be that born and bred African.

I will miss my Immigration and Naturalization Services(INS) family....when our eyes met at whatever immigration service or process we were going through...we all new we were on the same boat.

Thats it for now....

I am out like my deportation nightmares..
PAYCE!

Trippin (Blog posts from Moz, S. Africa, and NY)

So as usual I left my personal life to last minute, tickets, buying gifts, removing $ from the bank account, and charging my ipod…all this was done on April 12^th..as was my actual departure from Maputo.

What comedian was it…(warning-non PC moment)

“The only thing shorter than a Jew’s penis is a black man’s to do list”…lol its ok I thought it was funny.

Tickets and Vacation time

During the rush, I got discounted (-$300) tickets to DC, boss told me good things about my work so far, and boss said my 2 weeks in the states wont count against my holidays!!! So the fact that I didn’t by tix on time and procrastinated working out my official holiday vacation actually paid off!

Especially the latter part, cuz for some reason I had an irrational fear that my boss hated me. I would ponder during the work day why…how can I win her over…what can I do…where do I seek advice….am I not a nice guy…am I not efficient…...I MUST BE LOVED BY ALL!<--middle child syndrome

Gifts

So while haggling for souvenirs for my peeps in the states …NO I WONT PAY 50 MTCS ($1.2)….an economical vs. ethics thought crossed my mind;

“ is it wrong that I am haggling for every $1, to MAXIMIZE the amount of love I receive from those showered with gifts at the most ABSOLUTE MINIMUM COST to me?? “

Like I said it was just a thought…yes I got ur gift for 50cents…LOVE ME!!! <--middle child again.

South Africa

My first stop over is in South Africa. I get into the airport and it’s a bit le sad…why?? A RACK OF WHITE FOLK! Don’t get me wrong I like white folk they r cool peeps…this is racial disparity is normally cool when I travel to Western countries where the indigenous white folk are home grown and bread….however this be AFRICA FOOL aint no indigenous white folk!!

As I write I am at a pretty packed cafe in Johannesburg airport with about 30 ppl sitting here …and I am the only black person and the ONLY minority here. Wait…wait…an Indian dude just asked to sit with me…

I can read the anger in his eyes (AmanZman goes LIVE!)

Brown folk: May I share this table?? (Eyes say: NIGGA DO U BELIEVE THIS ?!)

Black Folk aka me: Yeah sure… (Eyes say: Aint this some BULL SHIT! And why all the servers black?!)

Brown folk: (to the waiter) I’ll have a coffee, black please (Eyes say: So I can count it as the third minority up in this bitch!)

Black Folk aka me: Same for me. (Eyes say: this is some surreal shit! Is there black folk waiting room or summin?)

Brown folk: (finishes coffee and gets up) Thanks. (Eyes say: $%#@! gotta go back to mother India)

Clock says- u just missed your boarding time by 10 minutes run nigga run!

-I made it (plane delayed from take off by 15 mins thanks to moi) …ppl on the plane were not too happy. Ohh well I am not happy the only black ppl at the airport are servers. So what else can u do but subject everyone else to colored ppls time (GOT THAT REBEL FEELING!-bob marley)..Martin Luther King would be proud of me J

Welcome to the USA

At last America mi amore.. how I missed you..jet lagged, hungry, torn and tattered I come to your warm embrace for the solace only developed countries can provide weary travelers. I am also coming through the great lady of NYC…”give me your hungry” she once said…ohhh how will you welcome me and embrace me in your bosom lady liberty?????

Immigration Officer: “Sir please move to waiting room number 2 for additional questioning”

F @#^@*&*!^#%!*&$ K YOU U HATEFUL BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (2.5 hrs of waiting and jet lag)

Some things never change…

Bout time Foooo

Pemba

I should have updated a while ago as a lot of things have been going on....but to be fair I was internet-less in Pemba (Northern Mozambique) for about 2 weeks. However, “Don’t cry for me Argentinaaaaaa” as Pemba was beautiful…beaches, beaches and more beaches…and I got to see some of rural Mozambique when visiting our projects in various districts….where I got my classic UNICEF pics in (see below).

Also went to a club in Pemba… in summary my clubbing experience was a mix CD on loop where you would hear the same song every 30 mins (I now hate the Black Eyed Peas), 8 ppl on the dance floor, then the French Navy men came in; and any stereotype you had about the French navy was pretty much satiated right there and then.

Life

Finally getting settled in terms of life; I now have internet at home and a bank account which are two huge feats to accomplish in 1 week…ok the bank account issue took 2 weeks where I now am no longer carrying around two months’ salary in my pocket…cant access it yet though, as my check books and online banking will take 2 more weeks (1 month in total to open and access a bank account)….America rocks in terms of efficiency.

Also, another sign of settling in is that I have befriended another of my large fore-headed brethren (aka Eritrean/Ethiopian)…who confirmed that THERE IS NO ETHIOPIAN/ERITREAN RESTAURANT IN MAPUTU! He did tell me I could take a 7 hr bus ride to Jo-burg in South Africa to get my grub on…seems like an extreme to cross international borders for some Habesha grub…but I may have to.

On a sadder more pensive note an Eritrean guy recognizes my own large forehead at a restaurant and after some small talk/introductions…asked me for some $ to cross into S.A….I was hesitant at first but is $6 really worth the mistrust in humanity….not really (call me gullible wtvr). It seems the more I stay on the continent issues facing my own country are becoming apparent. They also always seem to be popping up in random situations…..signs? Who knows.. what to do about it seems like a more difficult question to answer…but a question I feel obligated to tackle.

Pics

My first try in advertising...theme:Unicef-esk campaign..let the cheese begin

" I believe the children are our future...."-Sexual Chocolate, Coming to America

"Smile= the currency of the heart..."

"His dream is to be on dancing with the stars....will you tell him no?"

i dunno if i am cut out for the ad agencies...but here are some of my non Unicef-esk pics

View from my hotel room...yep...this was about the same time it was Snowpocalypse in DC area

Style...its not about where you are , it about who you are (damn that actually works as an ad)

Aiight peeps that is it for now....I am out...like the French navy